


I Remember You- I Crashed Your Wedding, With Some Orange Crepe Paper and Some Halloween Candy

by HarveyWallbanger



Category: Hanna Is Not A Boy's Name
Genre: Gen, Vampires, obviously Lamont is attracted to magnificent creeps, possibly disturbing, references to Conrad/Worth, references to past Lamont/Worth, trigger warning: blood, very light Lamont/Adelaide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-03-30
Updated: 2012-03-30
Packaged: 2017-11-02 18:58:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,069
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/372257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HarveyWallbanger/pseuds/HarveyWallbanger
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lamont's spent years cleaning up Worth's messes; of course, he's there to clean up the latest one.  Takes place after "I'm Going Down By the River Where It's Warm and Green".</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Remember You- I Crashed Your Wedding, With Some Orange Crepe Paper and Some Halloween Candy

**Author's Note:**

> Obviously: do not try any of this at home. I am not Tessa Stone, and this school is not Tessa Stone. No one pays me to do this. Title comes from Happy Birthday To Me, by Cracker.

"Don't pick it up."  
"I have to. It could be important."  
"I'm important. Whoever that is just wants to waste your time."  
Lamont sighs, and picks up the phone. It's Conrad- and how did he even get this number- speaking too fast again.  
"You're going to have to tell me a little more than that," Lamont sighs, putting his hand over his face.  
"I can't. Worth just needs you. Now." Then, Conrad hangs up.  
"I bet that little brat killed your oldest and dearest friend," says Adelaide. She wrinkles her nose. "No accounting for taste."  
"You," Lamont says, wagging his finger playfully, "are very, very bad. But I have to go."  
"Fine," she snorts, "Go save your boyfriend's life. I'll just stay here, and watch Pay-per-view, and try on all of your clothes."  
"Nice thought, but they wouldn't fit you." He gives her a quick kiss, which she tries to turn into a longer one, and he's out the door.

"I think the bleeding's stopped," is what greets him as soon as he walks through Worth's door. "I think the bleeding's stopped, but now, he keeps complaining that he doesn't feel well, and he won't let me near him."  
He follows Conrad through the office to the back. "Do I even want to know what happened?" Lamont asks, feeling for a light switch. With the place lit, it's easier to find a path to Worth's bedroom. There, he turns on a second light.  
Over the years, he's seen Worth looking pretty bad, but never this… messy. He's pale- paler than usual- with several really nasty wounds- some of which look suspiciously like bite marks- and smeared with dried blood. There's an unlit cigarette in his mouth, also smeared with blood- in fact, everything anywhere near Worth bears at least a streak of dark red. Lamont takes from his pocket a small flashlight, pries open one of Worth's eyes, and shines the light past it.  
"The fuuuh-" Worth gurgles, dislodging the cigarette. "The fuck are you doing to me, you stupid fuck?"  
"Making sure you're not dead. What the hell happened to you? Those look like bite marks."  
"That's because they are, asshole."  
Lamont points to Conrad, who's standing in the doorway. "Did he do this to you?"  
"Yep. Didn't think he had it in him, did you?"  
Conrad's eyes widen. "He asked me to!"  
Lamont tries not to, but he can't help but laugh. "You are unbelievably stupid," he says to Conrad, and then to Worth, "But not as stupid as you. Do you want me to stitch you up, now?" He says it louder than he probably has to, which makes Worth close his eyes tightly, and turn away.  
"Yeeeeh…"  
"I assume that means 'Yes'." He turns to Conrad. "You're going to have to help me. You don't faint at the sight of blood, right?" He smiles, and Conrad scowls at him.  
"What do you want me to do?"  
"Go into the bathroom, and look under the sink. You're going to find a black bag there. Bring me that."  
"You're welcome," Conrad mutters as he leaves the room.  
"You're going to have to sit up, now," he says to Worth, and pulls him forward, in order to gather the pillows behind him to prop him up. Of course, Worth refuses to support himself; he falls forward onto Lamont.  
"Bluh-" Worth sputters, and moves back, "Get your tits out of my face."  
"That's no way to speak to the kind soul who's about to put you back together."  
Conrad clears his throat.  
"Bring me the bag," Lamont says, and Conrad does. "Thanks." He takes out a box of disposable gloves, and puts on a pair, before wiping down Worth's neck with an alcohol pad. "Should I bother to numb the area, or would that lessen your enjoyment?"  
"Numb your fucking mouth," Worth mutters.  
"That's a 'no', then." Lamont retrieves from the bag needle and thread. "Hey, Conrad. First, take the bag off of my lap, and put it someplace where it's not going to fall on the floor. Thanks. Then, I'm going to need you to hold his head to the side for me, because he can't seem to do it on his own."  
"Like this?"  
"Yeah, that's good."  
Both Worth and Conrad gasp as Lamont begins stitching.  
"It's okay," Lamont says to Conrad, "He's probably having a great time."  
"Fuck off."  
"Stop talking, or it'll end up crooked."  
Worth manages to keep his mouth closed long enough for Lamont to finish. It doesn't look great, but it'll do the job. He asks Conrad for a bandage, which he applies to the newly-stitched wound.  
"Now, the rest…" says Lamont, and starts on Worth's shoulder, and then his arm.  
"You're actually very good at that," Conrad says. He's holding the bag against his chest.  
"Thanks. It's all practice," he cuts the last thread, "and a steady hand. Bandage." He applies the bandage. "And that's that. Now, do you want me to clean you up," he asks Worth, "or do you want to lie here in your own filth and bodily fluids?"  
"Second one."  
"Tough. Do you have any clean sheets?"  
"Fuck you."  
Lamont sighs. He goes over to Conrad, who is still hugging the bag, looking a bit desperate, and says softly, "Conrad, can you look for clean sheets? I don't even know where they'd be, but they have to be somewhere."  
Conrad nods, and leaves the room.  
Lamont goes back to Worth. "Can you stand, or do I have to wipe you down, here?"  
"I can stand."  
"Good. Lean on me, though, or you'll fall and break your face."  
He gets them both to the bathroom, and lowers Worth onto the toilet. "You're getting a bath."  
"Can't I just have a shower?"  
"No, because I'm not getting in there with you. You're going to have a nice, relaxing bath, and I'm going to sit here and make sure you don't drown."  
"Where's Count Suck-My-Dick?"  
"He's looking for clean sheets."  
"He's gonna be looking a long time."  
"It'll give him something to do. You scared the shit out of him, you know."  
"He scared the shit out of me when he wouldn't stop chewing on my neck."  
"He's a vampire. You can't just put blood in front of him, and expect him to react rationally."  
"Blame the fucking victim."  
"You were the first actual, living person he fed from, right?"  
"Yeah."  
"He lost control. You're lucky he was able to get it back."  
"You and what's-her-name ever do this kind of thing?"  
"No."  
Worth raises his eyebrows.  
"I respect what she is. If I played around with her like this, I would have been dead a long time ago."  
"You don't know what you're missing."  
Lamont sighs. "It's not for me. You know that. Danger, extreme stuff- that's for you. Me, I like quiet dinners, long walks, sex that doesn't make me fear for my life."  
"Guess that's why it didn't work out between us."  
Lamont rolls his eyes. "Christ. Don't bring this up again."  
"When have I ever brought it up?"  
"Only every time you get so intoxicated you don't remember that you're a repetitive bastard. The tub's full. You can undress yourself, right?"  
"I need you to take off my shoes."  
Lamont rolls his eyes again, and does. It's a small bathroom, so Lamont has to stand almost out of the room to avoid being smacked or elbowed as Worth takes off his clothes.  
"Be careful of the bandages," he tells Worth, as Worth slowly gets into the tub.  
"You're gonna have to do all the scrubbing, then."  
"Yeah. Okay."  
"What's she got that I don't?" Worth asks as Lamont shampoos his hair. "I mean, other than," he gestures to his chest.  
"Quit moving. You'll get the bandages wet. What she has that you don't have is an instinct for self-preservation. She can take care of herself. She doesn't need me; she wants me. You need me, all of the time. If it's not related to work, it's for stuff like this. I'm not saying I mind, but I can't be with someone who sees me that way."  
"Fucking harsh."  
"You haven't said 'harsh' since 1998."  
"S'all this talking about our relationship. Makes me nostalgic for the days when we used to beat the crap out of each other in deserted parking lots, then jerk each other off."  
"You're not nostalgic. Turn your head a little to the side so I can rinse- like that. You're not nostalgic. You're just trying to emotionally blackmail me into doing more for you than I already do."  
"Someone's been hitting the self-help books."  
"No. I've just been helping you live your life for more than half of mine."  
"Are you asking me for a divorce?"  
"No. We'd have to be married for me to want a divorce."  
"Maybe it's the blood loss, but you're fucking making me sad."  
"It's the blood loss. What's going on with you and this kid? Are you two involved, or did you just let him carve up your neck on some kind of perverse whim?"  
"Well, I was giving him my blood, anyway, so I figured, Why not? Pop his cherry, y'know. Maybe in more ways than one."  
"See, this, this is why you ended up getting mauled by a vampire art student. It's karma. The universe is trying to tell you something."  
"What?"  
"Maybe 'Don't be a dick'."  
"That's kind of vague."  
"Do you even like him, or are you just messing with him?"  
Worth makes a face. "He's all right, I guess. Not bad to look at, if you're into that sort of thing. And there was this moment when he-"  
"I don't want to hear about your sexcapades, okay?"  
"It was barely sex."  
"I still don't want to hear about it. I don't know if you're trying to shock me, or make me jealous, but don't use someone else to do that, all right?"  
"You take the fun out of everything."  
"You're as clean as you're going to get. Out of the tub."  
"All right. Just- fucking help me; I know I'll get a head-rush when I stand."  
Carefully, they maneuver Worth out of the tub.  
"It's cold as fuck," Worth says.  
"Well, dry off, already," Lamont says, and hands him a towel. "Your towels are disgusting, by the way."  
"So's your face."  
"You love my face. Do you have something to wear that isn't covered in blood?"  
Worth waves his hand. "I'll take care of that. Just make sure that Conrad isn't bingeing on the blood in the fridge."  
"You'll be all right?"  
"Yes, for fuckssake."  
Conrad isn't in the bedroom, but there are clean sheets on the bed. Lamont finds him in the office, doing something with his phone. Conrad stands.  
"Is he all right?"  
"He's as good as he's going to get, for now. He needs to sleep, and he needs to eat something. And you need to be careful. He's, uh, he's not as stable as he seems."  
"He doesn't seem stable, at all."  
"Even less than that, then. Look, I'm gonna stay with him, but you can leave."  
"I can't. The sun is going to rise in about half an hour."  
"I guess you can't leave, then. Once he's doing a little better, I'll get you home, okay?"  
"Thank you."  
"As I was saying, though, you need to watch yourself with him. He's really good at- not even hurting people, but getting them to hurt themselves."  
"I heard your conversation."  
"Huh. Yeah, I forgot about vampire hearing."  
"I wasn't even trying to; I just did."  
"This is kind of awkward, then."  
"How is it that Adelaide doesn't bite you?"  
"Well, she takes care of that kind of thing on her own."  
"By biting other people."  
"That-" Lamont takes a deep breath, "is really none of your business." He takes another. "Let's go check on the patient."  
Conrad sighs, and follows Lamont to Worth's bedroom. Worth is dressed, and in bed.  
"I had the strangest dream," Worth says, "You were there. And you were there, too!"  
Thankfully, Worth then passes out.

"What the hell took you so long?"  
"It got kind of involved."  
"No shit." Adelaide sniffs, "You stink of him."  
"Yeah, well, he was pretty messed up. There was a lot of blood."  
She comes and puts her arms around him. She smiles. "Tell me all about it."


End file.
